NICU

This was the highlight of my 4th of July weekend. I admit I wasn't a super fun mom. We didn't do a parade or fireworks or patriotic outfits.  Our neighbor generously shared sparklers but that was it. I feel guilty about it even though having a baby in the NICU and recovering from a c-section are good excuses, but I just feel bad still. Mom guilt, argh!

My mom did take me shopping which was sooo nice. I got things that weren't maternity. Yay! 

I've been thinking a lot about having a baby in the NICU and being a "NICU mom". I saw a quote that said, "No expectant mother dreams about having their baby be born sick or early and have to spend their first few days, week or months away from home, but when their babies end up there, moms step up and earn the title of "NICU mom". 

This is so true. I had no idea Bennett would end up here. They never saw anything wrong on ultrasounds. It was a terrible surprise. And we went through this with Nolan, which is good because it is familiar, but bad because we have to go through it again!

But when I see my crazy, healthy, spunky Nolan, it reminds me that Bennett will be that way too. He will overcome his eating and breathing challenges. He will come home. He will grow healthy and strong. This is my hope and my prayer for him. Every time I feed and cuddle Bennett, I say a prayer with him. I know God is listening and that he is watching over my sweet baby. 

The NICU is hard. It is hard to leave your baby at the hospital. It is hard to see them sick. It is hard to have them make progress and then regress. It is hard to go home and feel like you had a baby yet at home, you don't feel like you did. The swing in our living room and the empty crib haunt me. It's like they taunt me with their emptiness. It is hard to be in the NICU and feel like I should be home with Nolan and Josh, and to be at home and feel like I should be with Bennett in the hospital. 

But, the nurses at the NICU are wonderful. Sometimes I come in, and they are sitting in the rocking hair with Bennett, and looking at him, softly talking to him, and telling him how much they love his hair, haha. It is wonderful to see such love, especially for a baby they are not related to! They are kind, friendly, easy to talk to, and so respectful of your private, quality time with your baby. 

The NICU nurses give you great tips for taking care of babies. They put a rolled up blanket around the baby's feet to mimic the boundaries of the uterus. They put a big bean bag shaped like a hand over their bodies to mimic a mother's arm. They have ingenius ways for keeping pacifiers in. They have great bath tips and tips for reducing diaper-changing messes. I love learning from them. 

Oh--they change their diapers! That's sooo nice. ;)

I feel the strength of people's prayers. I feel reassured that Bennett is going to be okay. I just need to trust the Lord's time table. I need to trust the doctors and specialists at his disposal. I need to live in the moment and enjoy the special time we get together now. This doesn't mean I don't have moments where I randomly cry in public, because I do. :) But hey, I'm human and I believe that emotions deserve to be expressed. BUT I like to choose joy as often as I can (ok, I am kind of copying the moral of PIxar's new movie, "Inside Out." 

I will keep you posted. Right now, there is no update on Bennett. But they are going to consult a GI specialist and a pulmonologist this week, so we will see what they have to say.